In case you were wondering

Deprogramming with progesterone definitely has emotional side effects.

I am dragging. I woke up in a black and empty place. Which is odd, as nothing has changed, and everything is objectively good. I walked the dog and gave him breakfast. I'm seeing a friend later. I'm going to an exercise class. I'm going to do some work-related things that are interesting. There is, objectively speaking, zero reason for me to want to cry in the street while walking the dog. There is zero reason why I should feel abandoned, and unloved, and invisible when I have already heard from three different friends this morning for no particular reason.

I am overwhelmed by the mail.

I am offended by a neighbor's silence in the elevator.

I am horrified by my body.

I am sexually frustrated but too tired to do anything about it.

I am hungry but not in the mood to eat.

I can't decide whether it's worth it to shower.

The most galling part is, I know that none of this is real. I hate that I am subject to such arbitrary changes in my own self.

I think one of the hardest parts of this experience, at least for someone as controlling as I am, has been the utter and complete loss of control. Not only of the outcome, but of what happens inside my body, and even how I feel about it. The loss of control makes me angry, and then I want to take my anger out on the world. Fuck you, political moment in America, I want to scream. Fuck you, job. Fuck you weather, and my mother's incipient dementia, and that guy who always flirts with me just to get my attention and waste my time, and the window repair person who doesn't know anything about windows, and hiring committee for that academic job that I don't even want, and all other people who have my job and are better at it than I am. Fuck you, world that doesn't care about how I feel, because today I feel small, and insignificant, and terrible and trapped in my own humanity.

And it's all because of synthetic progesterone.

It's not even real.