WTF

Had my WTF call with Dr. Big Guns yesterday. He professes disappointment that this cycle didn't work. Would urge me to try again if I can handle it. I told him I'm taking the summer off to give my body and mind time to recover, and that I want to try again in September. Asked him about Lupron micro flare. He's willing to try it, and if we have to cancel due to non response, we can go back to the protocol that has resulted in eggs. Thinks the endometrial co-culture wasn't worth it. Is fine with my taking ubiquinol and DHEA, is "agnostic" on whether they're worthwhile or not, but doesn't think they hurt anything. Says there is some evidence for effectiveness for HGH, but he's not allowed to prescribe it in New York State, so I'll be hustling my first RE in Massachusetts to see if she'll prescribe it for me at the end of the summer. Basically, it seems that at this point he's just saying "Fuck it, why not?" to anything that I ask about or suggest.

He puts my odds of success at 15% for the next cycle. So. I'm getting pretty near the end.

Honestly, I can't believe I've made it this far. First I was never going to have kids. And then I was never going to get ART treatment. And then I was definitely never going to do IVF. And now I'm seriously planning to hustle out of state hormone supplements that New York State treats as a controlled substance. What the fuck has happened to me? Am I just stubborn? Do I just hate being told I can't do something? Why would I keep wasting my time like this? If I didn't have some money left on the insurance benefit I definitely would have already stopped.

Should I stop?

I don't know anymore. I just don't know.