Crabby

I can't tell what it is. I might be fighting a cold. Though I haven't so far had the low grade fever I had the last time during progesterone shots.

But I'm crampy and grouchy and tired and stuffy-nosed and lacking in motivation. This morning I had to haul my ass out of bed early to go for a blood test, the results of which they don't share with me, and which - per the nurse drawing my blood - won't affect my progesterone dosing, and therefore won't affect the outcome even slightly. So why am I losing literal sleep and paying twenty bucks in cab fare to do this? I'm considering skipping the next one and sleeping in. My body wants sleep. And I want to give it sleep.

Today is one of those days where I am secretly hoping it won't work out. I'm tired, Succotash. I'm tired of doctor appointments. I'm really sick of having my blood drawn. I'm getting track marks, for Chrissake. I'm sick of medication schedules and supplements and not being able to exercise and I'm really sick of being ten pounds over what I think of as my set weight. I'm sick of acupuncture, although it was probably the most pleasant part of this whole process, but even so, at $135 a pop there are other things I would like to spend my money on. A personal trainer, for instance. A gym membership. An entirely new wardrobe. Anything.

I can't tell if the crampiness is digestive, or premenstrual, or progesterone-caused, or the earliest possible sign that this worked. I have no idea. I hate feeling so alienated from my body. I have no authority, I have no control. I can't even have sex for another week. Of course my husband is out of town til then, but even so - it's the principle of the thing. I resent it. I'm sick of being a walking test tube. I want to be free of all this, and go away for the summer, and go sailing and write and read books and actually remember what I have read.

Sorry Succotash, but I'm sick of this shit. I really, really am.