I cannot fucking concentrate

I'm crampy, Succotash.

I've been intermittently crampy since the transfer, so it shouldn't be a big deal. Also progesterone can cause cramping. This is normal. This doesn't mean anything.

I'm telling myself.

But the truth is, this didn't happen last time. And so I'm jumping through mental hoops to keep myself from guessing, and I'm failing, because all I can think right now is oh my God what if it worked.

What if it worked?

That will freak me out.

But of course I know that the odds are that it didn't work, and all I'm doing by wondering if it did is setting myself up to be crushed. Again.

I'm considering doing at at home test before I go in for the blood work on Thursday. It will almost certainly be negative. But then I'll have ripped off the band-aid and I can let myself feel sad and I can spend the afternoon trying to let myself feel the feelings that will come, instead of waiting for the phone call with the news I already anticipate.

The challenge will be to not test tomorrow morning.

God but I wish I weren't cramping today. I have work to do, Succotash. I have a finite amount of energy and attention, and it need it for work today. I can't just sit here at my desk obsessing over my body. I can't!

But I am.