Not Giving Up?

Considering not giving up because a fertility clinic is literally around the corner is high on the list of stupid shit I have actually considered doing. But I walk the puppy past this place every single day. It is literally the most conveniently located thing in my block. It is closer to me than our regular brunch place. It's closer to me than the coffee guy.

So I looked them up today. Fuck it. Why not? They take my insurance, they are two friends with academic backgrounds and all the lists of all the shit you're supposed to have, and their references in Fertility IQ are totally fine, and they seem to do all the monitoring themselves, and I have money left on the benefit. And it's sexist of me, but one of them is a woman. Which I'd really much prefer.

So.

I have written asking for an appointment in January. Why not?

Even if it doesn't work, it might be nice to have my hand held on the way out. And I could get monitored in my pajamas, and then go back to sleep.

Not going out without a fight, Succotash, you persistent hypothetical person, you. I'm going to go down fucking swinging.

Achievement Unlocked

I have just made it through watching Episode 7 of the Romanoffs, which is the one with the infertile couple that travels to Russia to adopt a baby.

I watched the whole thing, and I didn't cry. Not even during Kathryn Hahn's rant about IVF and how awful it is.

I am feeling proud of myself, and like I might celebrate by ordering in Chinese food.

Small steps. It's not full-bore baby shower attendance, but it's not nothing, either.

I sure wish my friend would just read Judith Butler

Instead of deciding that hating her life as a woman means she must definitely be a trans man instead of just your usual run of the mill woman who hates what she's consigned to and discovers feminism as a result, necessitating her mounting a one-person musical revue which isn't one person at all but includes a pianist and a husband and a son for her to sing about wanting to play on the jungle gym as a kid instead of with Cabbage Patch dolls, culminating in an Act 1 finale in which she performs in a maternity dress with a literal baby doll stuck under her clothes to express her complex feelings about motherhood, causing me to have a fucking emotional breakdown while sitting in the front row and then leave during intermission.

If she'd just read Judith Butler, I could have had a completely different night tonight.

Things that are Much Worse, Objectively Speaking, Than Never Having a Baby

Cancer

Dementia

Becoming paraplegic

My husband dying in a terrible accident

Me dying in a terrible accident

My parents dying in a terrible accident

Climate change

Heroin withdrawal

Sex trafficking

Dying in a plane crash like that sweet boy I went to high school with

Dying of the flu like my friend R did two years ago for no fucking reason

AIDS, even with all the new drugs they have now

Having a fascist government seize your home and belongings and put you in camps

Schizophrenia

Lou Gehrig's disease

Any wasting disease, really

Ebola

Chronic hunger

Being kidnapped and forced to play flute for the Khmer Rouge while the other children around you are executed one by one, and then escaping to the jungle and watching what the monkeys eat in order to learn how to survive

Being hideously disfigured such that you cannot recognize yourself

Having to be on dialysis forever

Having a brain tumor that changes your personality forever

Losing the ability to read or speak

I mean, really, this is a long fucking list when you get right down to it. Maybe I should add to it every day until I realize once again that my life is awesome.

And Now, the Grief

It doesn't meant that being done isn't the right decision.

But boy, am I ever sad today.

Game Over

Thank you for playing.

Now, it's time to go live a different kind of life.

Spot that Symptom! America's Favorite IVF Game Show

Spot that Symptom! America’s Favorite IVF Game Show

ANNOUNCER: It's time once again to play everyone's favorite game show!

AUDIENCE: SPOT! THAT! SYMPTOM!

ANNOUNCER: That's right, it's Spot that Symptom, where the audience tries to guess which of our lucky contestants had a successful embryo transfer and which gets to go on a faaaabulous all-expenses paid vacation to a Zika-rich island, with your host, Chuck Woolery! Chuck?

AUDIENCE: [thunderous applause]

CHUCK: Thanks Marv! And thanks to our sponsor, drugstore brand stool softener. Drugstore brand. For when you can't stand to spend another dime on IVF. Each contestant who appears on Spot that Symptom gets a free lifetime supply of drugstore brand stool softener! All right! Now let's meet our first contestant.

ME: Hi.

ANNOUNCER: Chuck, this is Doodlebug. She's a 41 year old writer and vegetarian from Texas who knows this is really her last shot! Known as the Doodle to her friends, she enjoys sailing, staying at home, and looking deep into an existential childless void.

CHUCK: Thanks Marv! Doodle. May I call you Doodle?

ME: Um. I’d actually prefer Doodleb-

CHUCK: Great. Welcome to the show. So let's see. You made it to two embryos this time. That’s great news. They popped ‘em in, you’ve been sticking yourself with progesterone every night, and you're halfway through the two week wait.

ME: That's right.

CHUCK: And this is your fourth IVF cycle. Whoo, that’s a lot.

ME: Uh huh.

CHUCK: What’s the weirdest place you’ve ever stuck yourself with progesterone?

ME: That’d be in the butt, Chuck.

CHUCK: [looks confused]

ME: Sorry, that was a deep game show cut. Carry on.

CHUCK: Terrific. Are you ready to play?

AUDIENCE: SPOT! THAT! SYMPTOM!

ME: I guess?

CHUCK: Terrific! Now you remember how this works. You describe all the weird and bizarre physical symptoms you’re experiencing even though the clinic has explicitly told you they are all caused by progesterone shots, and you could not possibly be feeling anything this early, even if the transfer was successful, which it most assuredly wasn’t! Then the audience decides if you’re pregnant, or just paranoid. Marv, what did you say she was, 41?

ANNOUNCER: That’s right, Chuck!

CHUCK: [avuncular laughter] Whoa nelly, that’s a doozy! All right. Thirty seconds on the clock. And, let’s play!

AUDIENCE: SPOT! THAT! SYMPTOM!

[ticking]

ME: Um. Okay. Well. I've been sort of crampy. Like unusually crampy this whole time. And I’m in a terrible mood. Like, I want to set everyone I meet on fire with my mind. And I've had the most wracking headaches, even though I’m staying hydrated.

CHUCK: Fifteen seconds.

ME: But there’s this one thing, and it’s kind of awkward.

CHUCK: Ten seconds!

ME: I can’t say it!

CHUCK: Five seconds!

ME: [panicking] I dunno I feel like I smell weird!

[BUZZER]

CHUCK: Judges? Did she make it under the wire? [Touches earpiece] We've got a ruling on this from the judges, and yes! The Doodle made it in the nick of time. Okay, audience! Can you spot Doodle's symptoms? Hit two blue lines on your console for "pregnant," and one blue line for "paranoid." Ready? Go!

AUDIENCE: [excited murmuring]

ME: So what’s the answer?

CHUCK: We’ll get to that, right after these messages!

ME: Wait, you’re not even going to tell-

CHUCK: Thanks for playing!

AUDIENCE: SPOT! THAT! SYMPTOM!

ANNOUNCER: Promotional consideration has been supplied by CVS, for all your specialty mail order pharmacy needs, by Holiday Inn, and by Giblees suits, on route 1 in Peabody Mass. All contestants on Spot that Symptom! receive a complimentary set of baby shower invitations from college classmates with whom they haven’t spoken in five years. Void where prohibited by law.