Spot that Symptom! America's Favorite IVF Game Show

Spot that Symptom! America’s Favorite IVF Game Show

ANNOUNCER: It's time once again to play everyone's favorite game show!

AUDIENCE: SPOT! THAT! SYMPTOM!

ANNOUNCER: That's right, it's Spot that Symptom, where the audience tries to guess which of our lucky contestants had a successful embryo transfer and which gets to go on a faaaabulous all-expenses paid vacation to a Zika-rich island, with your host, Chuck Woolery! Chuck?

AUDIENCE: [thunderous applause]

CHUCK: Thanks Marv! And thanks to our sponsor, drugstore brand stool softener. Drugstore brand. For when you can't stand to spend another dime on IVF. Each contestant who appears on Spot that Symptom gets a free lifetime supply of drugstore brand stool softener! All right! Now let's meet our first contestant.

ME: Hi.

ANNOUNCER: Chuck, this is Doodlebug. She's a 41 year old writer and vegetarian from Texas who knows this is really her last shot! Known as the Doodle to her friends, she enjoys sailing, staying at home, and looking deep into an existential childless void.

CHUCK: Thanks Marv! Doodle. May I call you Doodle?

ME: Um. I’d actually prefer Doodleb-

CHUCK: Great. Welcome to the show. So let's see. You made it to two embryos this time. That’s great news. They popped ‘em in, you’ve been sticking yourself with progesterone every night, and you're halfway through the two week wait.

ME: That's right.

CHUCK: And this is your fourth IVF cycle. Whoo, that’s a lot.

ME: Uh huh.

CHUCK: What’s the weirdest place you’ve ever stuck yourself with progesterone?

ME: That’d be in the butt, Chuck.

CHUCK: [looks confused]

ME: Sorry, that was a deep game show cut. Carry on.

CHUCK: Terrific. Are you ready to play?

AUDIENCE: SPOT! THAT! SYMPTOM!

ME: I guess?

CHUCK: Terrific! Now you remember how this works. You describe all the weird and bizarre physical symptoms you’re experiencing even though the clinic has explicitly told you they are all caused by progesterone shots, and you could not possibly be feeling anything this early, even if the transfer was successful, which it most assuredly wasn’t! Then the audience decides if you’re pregnant, or just paranoid. Marv, what did you say she was, 41?

ANNOUNCER: That’s right, Chuck!

CHUCK: [avuncular laughter] Whoa nelly, that’s a doozy! All right. Thirty seconds on the clock. And, let’s play!

AUDIENCE: SPOT! THAT! SYMPTOM!

[ticking]

ME: Um. Okay. Well. I've been sort of crampy. Like unusually crampy this whole time. And I’m in a terrible mood. Like, I want to set everyone I meet on fire with my mind. And I've had the most wracking headaches, even though I’m staying hydrated.

CHUCK: Fifteen seconds.

ME: But there’s this one thing, and it’s kind of awkward.

CHUCK: Ten seconds!

ME: I can’t say it!

CHUCK: Five seconds!

ME: [panicking] I dunno I feel like I smell weird!

[BUZZER]

CHUCK: Judges? Did she make it under the wire? [Touches earpiece] We've got a ruling on this from the judges, and yes! The Doodle made it in the nick of time. Okay, audience! Can you spot Doodle's symptoms? Hit two blue lines on your console for "pregnant," and one blue line for "paranoid." Ready? Go!

AUDIENCE: [excited murmuring]

ME: So what’s the answer?

CHUCK: We’ll get to that, right after these messages!

ME: Wait, you’re not even going to tell-

CHUCK: Thanks for playing!

AUDIENCE: SPOT! THAT! SYMPTOM!

ANNOUNCER: Promotional consideration has been supplied by CVS, for all your specialty mail order pharmacy needs, by Holiday Inn, and by Giblees suits, on route 1 in Peabody Mass. All contestants on Spot that Symptom! receive a complimentary set of baby shower invitations from college classmates with whom they haven’t spoken in five years. Void where prohibited by law.