One 5 cell, grade b/c embryo is now somewhere inside my darkest depths, swimming around, wondering - if a ball of cells can wonder -what has just happened to it.
I am on the sofa, about to slurp leftover ramen. I have also poured myself a glass of wine, on the logic that what I really need to do is be as relaxed as possible. This is why I did the transfer under sedation. No cramping. No stress.
Nooooooo stress.
No psych up music this time. Just total chilledness. A friend walked me home. And now I'm home. It's a sunny cheerful day. I have no evening plans. I might go get a foot rub in a couple of hours. That's my big idea. A foot rub. Maybe I'll even go to the bank.
Tomorrow, the cleaners come, and I have an eye appointment, and I will get my eyebrows done, and maybe my toes, because I want to be pretty and to care for myself in silly and small ways. Tomorrow night I will binge-watch Rick and Morty for the 50th time and eat cheese. These are the plans I have made for myself. I will do this between sticking myself with progesterone shots in the morning and progesterone suppositories in the evening. And I guess I should keep taking the doxycycline. Let's not forget that.
So. That's where we stand.
I have next to no faith in a positive outcome. I feel no hope. I feel no despair. Right now I feel even. Steady. Prepared.
That could all be an illusion, of course. But for right now, today, in this moment, that is where we stand.
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