Detachment

I think I am somewhat alienated from this cycle. The first week went okay, I did my four shots a day, I did my work, L was away and I had the apartment to myself. I walked the dog. I felt calm.

I have four follicles going, which is not a great response. I admit to being disappointed, as all I'd read suggested that this protocol could result in surprise super follicles for ladies in my condition. But I am unusually nonresponsive, it would seem. I am stubborn. This, perhaps, should not come as a surprise.

Now as the fatigue sets in and my midsection has ballooned my mood has lowered accordingly. But with the lowering comes what I hope are the earliest stages of acceptance.

I catch myself thinking, oh, what if we did another cycle with the protocol that got us seven eggs instead of five? And then I ask myself, why? Why would I do that? Do I even want this anymore? I certainly don't want to be treated for this anymore. Do I want a kid?

Do I really?

As I reflected earlier, I have already not had one. I can't ignore how wonderful this summer was, not thinking about any of this. Doing what interests me. Using my body. And, if I'm honest, soon enough I will have a lot more work ahead caring for my parents. That will require travel and physical and emotional energy, and it will go on for a long time. And this time of self-absorption has kept me from building intimacies with my friends' children. That is a loss that I regret. The sooner I can push through this disappointment, the sooner I can get to know the small people in my world, who I can love, and support, and invest in, and not have to discipline or educate or raise.

The truth is, I'm tired. Part of that is where I am in this cycle - the meds make me tired, and uncomfortable, and I'm probably two days away from egg retrieval. But I told myself I wanted to make it to retrieval one more time, and it looks like I'm making it. And that means this is the last time I'm doing this.

I will have done everything in my power to make this happen.

I will be almost free to live my different kind of life and not look back.