I'm in a piss poor mood. Is it the rain? The change of season? The pressing need to put boats away and ship the oars and put on socks and go back to work, and in this case, back to the work of trying to have a baby that I will never have?
I was feeling confident before, but now, even before I start the most preliminary of all possible steps, I feel not just hopeless, but annoyed that I am wasting so much of my own limited time. There is so much else I could be doing. I could get a job. Not my current job, but like a real one. I don't know. Or I could do better at my current job, crank out book after book after book instead of dilettanting around daydreaming and waiting for a good idea. Any good idea. Who said all ideas had to be good? Who even knows from good anymore?
In a way, I feel like the process is already over. Am I just going back and retracing my same steps, hoping for a different outcome? Do I even hope for a different outcome anymore? Having a kid is an awful lot of work, much of it very boring. I already haven't had a kid. It has already happened. I'm railing against a thing that lies in the past. What a pointless enterprise that is.
Why not let the past stay the past?
Why am I doing this?
Am I doing this?
What would it be like if I just..... didn't do it?
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