Every day, in every way, I grow more spherical and enormous. Today I am beached on the couch like an exhausted walrus, except instead of sunning myself I am hiding behind translucent shades against an improbable 88 degree day in New York City. It's the first day of autumn.
My baby will be born this autumn. Probably in about a week and a half.
My blood pressure keeps veering wildly between the low side of normal and worrisomely high.
And I am exhausted. Some days I'm not. Today I am. The dog keeps staring at me with moist needy brown eyes, and I try to explain to him that I cannot walk him right now, I just can't, he went out already this morning and he will have to wait until L gets home and can do it, because I am exhausted and waddling and my blood pressure is through the roof and it's 88 degrees outside on the first day of autumn.
Dogs don't know about autumn. Or blood pressure. I don't blame him.
Even the veins in my forearms and hands are standing out.
Soon, Succotash. You are winning this war of attrition between our bodies, my old one and your brand new one. But we are past 35 weeks. You are in there, pretty much fully yourself, absent some extra layers of chub and fluff. I am happy to work on your chub from outside my body instead of inside.
We will see what they say at our appointment tomorrow.
Monday, September 23, 2019
Friday, September 20, 2019
Some People
Scene: In the elevator taking Dog Guac out for his morning constitutional. Dramatis personae: Me, elevator operator, Dog Guac.
Elevator stops and a couple get on. I know the wife, as we tangled on the lobby committee last year. She has been snooty to me. I decide to take the high road.
Me: Hi! So did y'all have a nice summer?
Snoot Wife, brightly: Hi! Oh yes, thank you! How about you?
Me, polite laughter, gesturing to round self under large college sweatshirt: Well, you can see what we were up to, ha ha.
SW: Oh yes! You must have had a fun summer.
Snoot Husband: Or a very fun spring!
thud
SH: You know, cause.... I mean....
Me: shocked, deadly silence
SH, clapping elevator operator on the back: All right, thanks Victor.
End scene.
What I wish I'd said: You know, I've been a woman my whole life, so I'm used to men I don't really know making jokes about my sexuality. But I'm here to tell you, there's nothing fun about IVF, and it was actually a pretty tough spring. Have a nice day!
In other news, 35 weeks today. Two weeks to induction. Almost there.
Elevator stops and a couple get on. I know the wife, as we tangled on the lobby committee last year. She has been snooty to me. I decide to take the high road.
Me: Hi! So did y'all have a nice summer?
Snoot Wife, brightly: Hi! Oh yes, thank you! How about you?
Me, polite laughter, gesturing to round self under large college sweatshirt: Well, you can see what we were up to, ha ha.
SW: Oh yes! You must have had a fun summer.
Snoot Husband: Or a very fun spring!
thud
SH: You know, cause.... I mean....
Me: shocked, deadly silence
SH, clapping elevator operator on the back: All right, thanks Victor.
End scene.
What I wish I'd said: You know, I've been a woman my whole life, so I'm used to men I don't really know making jokes about my sexuality. But I'm here to tell you, there's nothing fun about IVF, and it was actually a pretty tough spring. Have a nice day!
In other news, 35 weeks today. Two weeks to induction. Almost there.
Tuesday, September 17, 2019
Developments
Today I have:
1. been diagnosed with gestational hypertension and told I can no longer travel and also - ta da! - I can expect to be induced at 37 weeks, which is two weeks from Friday
2. Canceled the talk I was supposed to give Thursday in a different state, together with the train tickets and misc other stuff I was supposed to accomplish whilst there
3. Informed all grandparents of accelerated schedule, and made inquiries for a guest room for my parents as their usual place is full
4. Not decapitated my husband over the telephone as I explained why yes, it is imperative he attend the last OB appt before my induction so we can ask questions, and yes, he must cancel the talk he is scheduled to give in a different city the day after that appointment, because I COULD BE HAVING A FUCKING BABY AND WHO CARES ABOUT A STUPID TALK I SWEAR TO GOD I'M GOING TO MURDER HIM IN HIS SLEEP
5. walked the dog
6. made myself a healthy and delicious dinner
7. announced cancellation of talk on professional social media outlets
8. informed collaborator of new situation and shared various in-process chapter drafts with him so he may work while I am out of commission if he so chooses
9. informed editor of progress with collaborator and of change in schedule due to high risk pregnancy situ
10. hoped desperately not to be fired from collaboration, which they have the contractual right to do even though it would be tacky as fuck
11. pointed out to self that stressing about getting fired is PROBABLY BAD FOR HYPERTENSION
12. said "fuck it"
1. been diagnosed with gestational hypertension and told I can no longer travel and also - ta da! - I can expect to be induced at 37 weeks, which is two weeks from Friday
2. Canceled the talk I was supposed to give Thursday in a different state, together with the train tickets and misc other stuff I was supposed to accomplish whilst there
3. Informed all grandparents of accelerated schedule, and made inquiries for a guest room for my parents as their usual place is full
4. Not decapitated my husband over the telephone as I explained why yes, it is imperative he attend the last OB appt before my induction so we can ask questions, and yes, he must cancel the talk he is scheduled to give in a different city the day after that appointment, because I COULD BE HAVING A FUCKING BABY AND WHO CARES ABOUT A STUPID TALK I SWEAR TO GOD I'M GOING TO MURDER HIM IN HIS SLEEP
5. walked the dog
6. made myself a healthy and delicious dinner
7. announced cancellation of talk on professional social media outlets
8. informed collaborator of new situation and shared various in-process chapter drafts with him so he may work while I am out of commission if he so chooses
9. informed editor of progress with collaborator and of change in schedule due to high risk pregnancy situ
10. hoped desperately not to be fired from collaboration, which they have the contractual right to do even though it would be tacky as fuck
11. pointed out to self that stressing about getting fired is PROBABLY BAD FOR HYPERTENSION
12. said "fuck it"
Thursday, September 12, 2019
34 weeks tomorrow
These baby feet are starting to drive me absolutely insane. Which feels terrible to say, as I worked so hard to make these baby feet, and to keep these baby feet safe, and the more I feel the baby feet the safer I know they are, and if I suddenly stopped feeling the baby feet I would panic. But even so, last night I actually dreamt about baby feet. In my dream I looked down at my midsection and shined a light on my belly which revealed a spreading bruise somehow underneath my skin, and within the halo of purpling bruise I saw two absolutely distinct baby footprints. I tried to take a picture, but I couldn't hold the camera and the light at the same time. The feet pressed out and I saw their outline, and the bruise rippled, and then the feet disappeared and were replaced with the outline of hands.
It real life it's not quite so uncanny as that. The feet emerge as lumps rather than outlines of feet. But as I sit here in the library trying to get work done a foot lump emerges under my arm, pressing out from under my ribs, like he's eager to step out into the world but doesn't know which way to go.
Tomorrow is 34 weeks. Our next scan and appointment is on Tuesday, and then we will enter the weekly appointments stage.
You can be early if you want, Succotash. I share your eagerness. I have blankets and little footie pajamas and beanies and a changing pad and a diaper bag and a couple of swaddles and I've signed up for diaper delivery and we have a formula machine just in case and I'm ready. I mean, I'm not ready. I'll never be ready, any more than you will be. Being born is going to be appalling for both of us I feel certain, as neither of us will have done it before, and it might be loud and scary and weird, but then your father and I will be there holding you and it will be much like when you were inside, except that you can stretch your baby feet out as far as you want, and use them to take you places other than under my rib and into the inner curve of my elbow. You will be free.
It real life it's not quite so uncanny as that. The feet emerge as lumps rather than outlines of feet. But as I sit here in the library trying to get work done a foot lump emerges under my arm, pressing out from under my ribs, like he's eager to step out into the world but doesn't know which way to go.
Tomorrow is 34 weeks. Our next scan and appointment is on Tuesday, and then we will enter the weekly appointments stage.
You can be early if you want, Succotash. I share your eagerness. I have blankets and little footie pajamas and beanies and a changing pad and a diaper bag and a couple of swaddles and I've signed up for diaper delivery and we have a formula machine just in case and I'm ready. I mean, I'm not ready. I'll never be ready, any more than you will be. Being born is going to be appalling for both of us I feel certain, as neither of us will have done it before, and it might be loud and scary and weird, but then your father and I will be there holding you and it will be much like when you were inside, except that you can stretch your baby feet out as far as you want, and use them to take you places other than under my rib and into the inner curve of my elbow. You will be free.
Friday, September 6, 2019
Good Morning, 33 Weeks.
Yes, thank you, good morning Puppy. No, I didn't want to sleep in. Yes, I'd much rather commence my 33rd week by hauling my round ass downstairs and letting you out two hours before my alarm. No, you're right, you are the first baby, and you get to go out when you want to. Yes, I know, I love you the mostest. Yes, a little bit more than L maybe. Yes. Okay. Say hello to the garden rabbit for me. Tell him I love him, too.
Tuesday, September 3, 2019
Sunday, September 1, 2019
Emotional
I just broke down weeping during the final scene of The Muppet Movie, which I was watching with your father and your friends Will and Irina and their baby Clara, who had never watched a whole movie before, and Adam and Jon and Annie.
Your father knew it was because I was imagining showing it to you for the first time.
Only seven more weeks and change.
Your father knew it was because I was imagining showing it to you for the first time.
Only seven more weeks and change.
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