July 5

You are upstairs with your grandparents, and I just heard the opening strains of "An American in Paris" strike up in the family room. We are all exhausted. Yesterday we threw our first July 4 party since before COVID, gathering friends and neighbors and family in the pocket garden on a warm and sunny day, under our black and white stripey umbrella. Your uncle brought a keg, which almost no one drank, and which your dad and I had to return today before picking you up at Montessori. We have thrown this party (almost) every year since 2005, barring one depressing year marooned in Ithaca, and then two years of COVID. The first year all attendees were literally passed out on air mattresses scattered all over our Middle Street apartment. Yesterday the garden was overrun with kids chasing each other through shrubbery and wreaking havoc in the water table, and by last night almost everyone had wandered home early. While a few holdouts went down to the fort to watch fireworks, you and I retired upstairs for a long shower - you were very focused combing my hair as I sat crosslegged before you on the tile, and then you told me that you had given me a haircut - and then we put on our "pajammies" and watched the last of the fireworks from our bedroom window.

"I like fireworks," you said. "I like all the colors."

Then you asked me, "What are you thinking of, Mommy?"

I told you I was thinking about you, and how much a I love you, and how happy I was to be watching fireworks with you. All that was true, but I was also remembering being a child about your age, with my parents and grandparents at the Houston Yacht Club, and how the noise upset me so much that I had to watch them from the bar upstairs with my mother. I remember the fireworks exploding over Galveston Bay in complete silence, the glacial cold and darkness of the bar, looking out over the pool and boat basin. I was thinking about how that's why I associate sailing with July 4, and how we have that boat now, that I'm trying to keep alive another 20 years to give you, and how much my grandparents, Mere and Charles, would have adored you. And how I miss having conversations with my mother, and how badly she would have wanted to be involved with you, if she could. But I am happy that we have Ama and Poppop, and how we are doing our best to make you feel that you live in a community of benevolent adults and big kids who care for you. And how you are so much braver than I am. Your dad and I dream of instilling in your the kind of casual confidence we both observed in all the Harvard kids we taught back in grad school, which neither of us, for whatever reason, has ever felt. 

You are crushing a little on Larkin, who is 8 or 9 and lives up the street, and is wise beyond her years. Her family is new in town, from San Francisco, and her youngest sister Avery is your age. You and Avery like each other and play, but you looooove Larkin. And she is kind and solicitous of you. You are at a point of being ready to play with other kids, but not really knowing how to make it happen. Sometimes when you want another kid's attention you demand it with a smack, or by chucking water at them. You don't know how to find the words to express what you feel, which is - I don't have older siblings. I crave your attention and approval. You know things about being a kid that I don't. Will you teach me? Please?

Our friends Kett and Peter, who is slightly younger than you (3 months? 4?) left this morning right after you left for summer Montessori. We love them, but it was an exhausting five days, for me because I felt keenly how in charge I was, and for you because having your routine disrupted and another small kid in your space was just a big ask, for that length of time. At one point you clocked Peter on top of the head with a block of wood right after I told you to give him some space, and it was definitely not my finest parenting moment. But it wasn't your fault. You're 2 1/2! You don't entirely understand Peter is also a person, who can get hurt. (He wasn't, fortunately.) It was also strange to see how different you and Peter are. He is much more tentative, much less verbal. Curious about you, fascinated really, wanting to do everything you were doing, but I didn't observe a conversation between you until the party, when you both hung on the fence observing the world go by. "See that car?" he'd ask you. "Yes, I see it!" you'd answer. "That's my house!" Peter said, pointing at the church. "That's not your house," you said, laughing at his joke. At one point you turned to me and said "You know both our names? I'm Charles, and this my friend Peter." It went far to undo my lingering angst over the wooden block to the head. 

This is the first writing I've had time to do in a month. You did a week of day camp at the JCC, which struck me as sort of a mixed bag, but which you claimed to enjoy. You were skilled at coopting a cute young blond counselor all for yourself, which I found charming. Like a lot of only children, you gravitate to older kids and people. You're not hugely interested in other little kids. To be fair, neither am I. 

You are back at Harborlight, though, as of today, and my hope is that we will settle into a new normal routine, where you feel secure and learn and grow while I do the gazillion pages of writing I am expected to submit in November. 

Your dad and I are wondering how we can extricate ourselves from New York. But now that you have had your first COVID vaccine shot - praise all beings worthy of praise - I wonder if we will start to feel like we don't have to be as shut off as we have been. If we can find a way to venture forth into the world, and bring you with us.