Moody

I don't know what's going on. But I'm in a mood. A deep, intractable, immobile, dark mood.

Part of it is pain. I am running out of places to stick myself with progesterone in my haunches that don't hurt. Sitting down hurts. Walking hurts. Sticking myself hurts.

Part of it is boredom. I am preoccupied with my body, and how it feels, and how it is changing, and managing the parts of it that don't feel well - my nausea, my fatigue, my soreness. These things crowd into my brain and crowd out everything else, like creativity, curiosity, attention. And then I soon grow bored with myself. I can no longer stand how tedious the inside of my mind has become, which is to say a catalogue of symptoms instead of a person, or a collection of ideas.

And then, because I feel like I am losing a part of myself that matters, I grow despondent.

And I worry this is who I am going to be now. A suffering body instead of a mind.