New Year, New You

I have never been so fat in my entire life.

Okay, I can admit that by objective measures, I am not actually fat. But I am fat for me, and I am finding it upsetting. I am ten pounds over the weight that, for my thirties, used to count as "too many burritos." Ten pounds OVER. My pants are too tight. Panty hose waists roll down instead of digging in. I'm starting to panic.

"Do people always gain weight like this?" I asked the nurse, who was trying to hustle me out of the examination room.

"It's very common, yes," she said. She's heavier than me, and also I'm being irrational, so she wasn't in the mood to hear me complain. But learning that this is normal didn't make me feel better.

Sweater dresses, imaginary baby. Sweater dresses have replaced skinny jeans as my go-to lazy outfit this winter. Loose, voluminous sweater dresses. I've also just laid in a store of kale and unsweetened soy milk and chia seeds to put myself on a crash smoothie diet. It's possible some of this chub is the fault of our vacation in New Orleans, where food and liquor, both of it excellent, flowed freely and often. But even then, I've had vacations before. I never gained weight like this. Never.

Anyway. I'm home now, after a paint-by-the-numbers morning get started appointment where I learned that I have a couple of ovarian cysts the size of a fist hanging out in there, and so I can't start my new cycle tonight. I don't know why they had me come in before my period, but whatever. They've punching holes.

I'm due tomorrow. I will probably be told to come back in a couple of days, at which point we will see if the cysts have gone down, or if they're releasing hormones, or whatever the fuck. There's a good chance we'll have to push this cycle to February. Also known as one month away from forty-one.

It's a shame. I was feeling optimistic. I even made an acupuncture appointment for Friday, game to throw all the spaghetti at the wall and hope some of it stuck to something, somewhere.

Something. Somewhere. Just maybe not in here.