Not that I'm not happy for my friends. I love my friends. My friends are great and wonderful people. But I mean, God damn. Starting when we were all 30, 31, it was babies babies babies, now it's kids kids kids, a few teenagers teenagers teenagers, still more babies babies babies. It's great, but it's also hard. The boat has left, and it feels sometimes like no one cares that I'm not on it.
I haven't told many people about us trying, or my being diagnosed as unexplained, or our undergoing IF treatments. A select few. Partly because I'm very private about health stuff, partly because I was ambivalent for the first half of my thirties, right when everyone was in peak baby-having fever. I tell myself that it will be fine if I'm childfree at the end of the line. And it will be fine. But part of me will also be really, really sad. Every month is the same - I track, I time everything, I take vitamins, I wait. Then, nothing. Ever. I have never had a positive pregnancy test. Ever. It's a metronome of disappointment, and it never stops.
Most of the friends I have told about IF don't inquire how it's going, don't ask how I (we) are doing, or what we're doing. They just smile thinly and say "good luck." They've got babies and kids, all of them. I think I make them uncomfortable. Or they just don't know what to say, so they say nothing.
I understand it.
But I feel very, very alone.
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