Worry

I read a post from an internet stranger who is ten days ahead of me. She got bad news at the anatomy scan that I am scheduled to have on Tuesday, and she had to terminate at 21+2. Today I am 21+1. I feel him moving, like a fish.

Yesterday, I stepped out of the shower and wept all over L. I do not like responding to someone else's pain by being afraid for myself - that feels selfish, unempathetic, even cruel. But I have known in the back of my head that nothing is guaranteed, that nothing is under my control, that all I can do is take my vitamins and get enough sleep and hope and hope and hope and realize there is no reason for anything, nothing is fair, none of the good things or bad things in my life are a reflection of my worth as a human being, and seeing the worst thing, the nightmare thing, happen to someone - not someone I know, exactly, but not a stranger either. It reminds me of how tenuous everything is.

Everyone who is a sailor knows someone who was lost at sea. And this is true of people trying to have children too, it seems - in my own small group of maybe 50-odd people, we have had two near term losses, one early delivery that seems to have worked out okay, and one late termination. It's like dodging a swinging pendulum that will knock down whatever tiny pin happens to have the misfortune to be standing in the way. A half an inch to the left, and the pin still stands.

I hate not having control. I hate having no say in any of this.

I hate that this stranger I know, moving in near lockstep with me, is now in indescribable pain.

And I am afraid.