Drat

My first thought, as I climbed into the car, was "I should go across the street and buy a boat hook." This is because there was a marine supply place right over there, and my boat hook is broken. But I'd forgotten my wallet at home, so I couldn't shop my way out of it this time.

So it turns out that there are three broad categories of infertility: hormonal, structural, and idiopathic, i.e. unexplained. Guess which one I am?

I have always been difficult to explain, it could be argued.

There are things I can do. I was given packets of information. But first I decided to take a five minute self-pity break in the parking lot. A cool summer rain fell on the roof of the car. Thoughts included:

1. It's not fair. I'd be a great mom. All these other people have kids without even trying. Some of them don't even want them.
2. Come on. You never wanted kids anyway.
3. Shots. Schedules. Appointments. Ultrasounds. I don't want to do any of this.
4. But the world is so interesting. It would be fun to show it to someone for the first time.
5. Why does everyone else get to do this, and not me?
6. I can have a different kind of life.
7. When L dies, and my parents die, I'll be all alone.
8. Now I can afford a bigger boat. And international travel. It can be a different kind of life.
9. This is all my fault. I waited too long.
10. I started at 36, though. That seems like a reasonable time. Lots of people started at 36.
11. I always thought I wasn't going to be able to do this.
12. I should have eaten lunch before going to this appointment.
13. I should give away all the old baby stuff of mine that I saved.
14. I'm sad.
15. I wish I didn't have a houseguest coming today.
16. I'm sadder than I thought I'd be.