Well, my sweet Succotash, I continue to worry about what to do to help you at school. Everyone at your Montessori means well, but I'm increasingly convinced that you need to be in a place with a smaller class size, and maybe with more structure. More than anything, I want you to be in a place where your uniqueness is celebrated. They couch everything in therapyspeak, about how you "continue to be supported" in this circumstance, and "continue to have opportunities for growth" in other places. I can't help but think you must sense that you're not fitting in to their schema. You seem happy and confident there, which I guess is good. I don't know. I think you are spending so much emotional energy trying to keep yourself together that you don't have any bandwidth left for learning. This is why you can memorize whole 150 page books verbatim, but can't reliably remember which color is yellow.
I'm signing you up for lacrosse, where an enthusiasm for sticks and for hopping up and down and for throwing really hard and even mowing some other kid down might actually get you praised instead of disciplined but in a way so mealymouthed everyone pretends it isn't discipline.
I love you so much. I see your openmouthed smile and I want to shower you with kisses, and I wish I could just explain it to you. I wish I could be like, look, I know so much of this stuff is boring. I know most people aren't that interesting to talk to. I'm not going to sit here and lie to you and pretend that everyone in your class is nice or worth knowing. That wasn't true in my class, it wasn't true for me. It's not even true for me now. But the fact of the matter is, you just have to cope. You can be angry. That's fine. But you can't hit people. You can need more space for yourself. But you can't get it by shoving. You have to use your brain, to secure your space. Your life will be more pleasant if you can find a way to make friends. Not with everybody. But with a few quality people. I wish I could just have a conversation with you about it. But you're only 4!
Soon we are getting you a neuropsych evaluation. I suspect it is going to tell us that you have ADHD. I don't know what that will mean in terms of school or parenting or whatever. But I have it in my head that what you really need is a boys school. One that looks at your energy and vivacity and mile-a-minute allusions and ideas and imagination and says, yes! Yes! You are a wonderful bright kid who just needs some extra guardrails to help you cope! Also, go play lacrosse! Run some kids down like a locomotive! Do it!
I'm frustrated that your speech therapy seems to be making no difference whatsoever. Increasingly I feel that therapy is a scam. I don't know. How the heck do they measure outcomes for this anyway?
Some funny things you've said lately: You confuse "Empire" and "vampire," so you say "Empires suck blood from ladies' necks." Which is kind of true, in a way.
You're resisting learning the alphabet. I don't know what to do about that.
Essentially, you are stubborn. Like your parents. You want to do what you want to do, and nothing else. Just like your parents.
I'm worried your current school sees only your behavior, and not your potential. That's what it comes down to. I need to figure out how to get you somewhere that will see all your infinite, astonishing potential, and unleash it.
