Is what my reproductive endocrinologist remarked as she maneuvered some complicated bit of imaging equipment around in my most secret depths. I had been promised that the procedure would involve "some discomfort," which is doctor speak for "excruciating pain." But in truth, it wasn't that bad. Or else it was, but my habitual cramps are so bad anyway that I couldn't really tell the difference.
I have since concluded that I'm just badass.
"Am I dribbling? I am, aren't I. I'm sorry," I said as the imaging equipment water worked its way out into the world from wherever it had been moments before.
"We're gynecologists," my doctor reassured me. "We don't care. If your water breaks, that's what it will feel like."
"Well, even so," I said. "I'm a lady. I don't want to be rude."
The good news, I guess, is that everything in there looks "beautiful." By which I mean not encrusted with scar tissue or grown over with kudzu vines or whatever it is that they thought could have happened. So far the only thing wrong with me, if "wrong" is a word people are allowed to use in this context, is an FSH reading of 13. The upper level of normal is 10. It's been explained to me that this is my body trying to overcompensate for not having enough eggs. My hormones are being type A. Which should surprise no one.
Next your would-be father has to go in and get tests of his own, which I won't describe in detail, but suffice it to say, his won't involve "some discomfort." And then we have to go in and be told what to do next.
Today in the news there's a story about a 26 year old woman who left her 6 week old baby by the side of the road, and then I guess thought better of it and called the police and now she's going to prison. They posted a picture of the baby, and he's a wobbly little guy in socks and a striped onesie. I'm sure I'm not the first aging Type A high achieving infertile woman to think some variation on ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME, SHE HAS A BABY AND SHE DOESN'T EVEN WANT ONE. But I've never claimed to be all that innovative. My skills lie in interpretation of classic themes.
